I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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