I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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