we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
