i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
