I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
