These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
