If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
