You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.