I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.