would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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