Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
