Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
