Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
