Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
