her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
