I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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