The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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