You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize