you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
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Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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