OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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