Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
