Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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