I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
there's paper in my vomit.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
