I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize