I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
