Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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