We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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