Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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