i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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