I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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