My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
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Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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