neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
