He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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