I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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