i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize