I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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