Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
