youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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