not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He kissed a someone with a penis
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
bring money and cleavage
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
