Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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