guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
