i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
