Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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