Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
