Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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