Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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