I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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