please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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