i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
