Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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