I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me