i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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