can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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