i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
