Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
