Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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