My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
